7 Lies People Believe About Their Trauma
“There is nothing new under the sun” the wise author of Ecclesiastes stated, which I have found true when it comes to the lies that people believe that keep them trapped in their pain. In working with individuals who have experienced trauma (which I will note, is nearly all of those who come through the doors of my office), I have observed recurring themes in the statements that my clients make regarding their trauma. I will share a few of these here because, chances are, you have believed one or several of them yourself. I know I have. Unraveling these lies is often a vital first first step before healing can occur.
#1.” What happened to me wasn’t “that bad”- others have it much worse.”
Most people have experienced invalidation of their trauma at some point, and many survivors internalize this minimization of the pain they have been through and invalidate themselves. I see this most commonly with childhood trauma, although I have had clients minimize even the most horrific experiences by finding at least one person who had a MORE (from their perspective) significant trauma.
Annie* was 67 and could not figure out why she was so depressed, even contemplating suicide on her worst days. She noted that she had a good life and positive relationships with her children and grandchildren but was nonetheless miserable. As we started exploring Annie’s history, she divulged that she had never felt wanted in her family of origin because her parents were hoping for a boy. One time her father mentioned, in a burst of anger, that he wished she had never been born. Annie never felt like she belonged in her family, and even though her physical and material needs were met, her childhood was riddled with the pain of rejection. This is trauma. Although Annie was not beaten, molested or deprived of food and shelter, she was deeply harmed by a lack of love and nurture, which had lasting effects on her mental health.
Trauma can be defined as any event or experience that overwhelms our resources to cope. Early in life, our resources are very limited, and any threat to belonging, safety, or having our needs met, can feel like a matter of life and death. These wounds (and others) can be healed, but the first step is acknowledging the impact of the damage that occurred.
#2. “If I ignore it, it will go away.”
Henry Cloud address the myth that “time heals all things” in his excellent book, Changes That Heal. He states that time alone is not enough for growth or healing to occur but must be accompanied by the elements of grace and truth. In other words, intentional effort is required to heal, during which we learn how to receive the grace that is available to us and replace the lies (that are inevitably instilled through trauma) with the truth of who we really are. And yes, this does take time, but time spent facing the pain head on rather than “hoping” for it to disappear.
I have heard people misinterpret Philippians 3:13 regarding Pauls’ description of “leaving the past behind” (which in context, refers to his achievements, not his trauma) to instruct that we should not “focus on the past” but only live in the present and future. Unfortunately, with trauma, the past still FEELS like the present whether you choose to address it or not, and continues to impact your relationships, emotions, and beliefs about God, self, and the world.
#3. “It was my fault.”
Shame is one of the most dangerous repercussions of trauma. Its tenacles can have such a death grip on the souls of survivors that they may feel unworthy of love, healing, or even life. Children blame themselves for their parent’s divorce, or assume they must have done something to “deserve” the abuse they suffered. Survivors of rape question whether they should have fought back more or if their “No” was clear enough. Parents blame themselves for a child’s suicide. Our brains are wired to attempt to find some explanation for the unfathomable things that happen to us, and it can be easier to point the finger back at ourselves than to not have a reason for the trauma. However, this can lead to deep-seated feelings of shame and hinder the healing process. The lie that a person caused or deserved their pain and trauma must be broken for the heart to heal.
#4. “I cannot tolerate facing my trauma”
This belief can feel extremely true: the impact of trauma on the nervous system has such a devastating impact that the emotions and sensations connected to past harm feel like they will literally kill you. Healing from trauma necessitates a gentle process of learning to gradually tolerate those emotions to reprocess the disturbance behind them. I assure my clients that the overwhelming sensations are like waves, and while they may feel like a tsunami at times that threatens their survival, those waves WILL pass. Trauma healing IS hard and scary, but it is also freeing and possible. Having a trained guide and a strong support system makes walking through healing much easier.
#5. “I can never be whole after what I have been through.”
Hopelessness will destroy the will to fight for wholeness and freedom, but it is a common symptom of trauma. It can serve as a protective mechanism to prevent a traumatized individual from becoming more hurt and disappointed if healing does not take place as expected. Hope is a vital ingredient of recovery, but can be quite frightening. Shame also plays a role in this negative belief because some people are convinced that they are broken beyond repair. I can assure you that this is not true. There is ALWAYS hope of healing. However, I will not promote any illusions that this happens overnight or without pain. What I can tell you, is that the freedom on the other side is worth it.
#6. “God must not care about me to allow these terrible things to happen.”
The question of why God allows suffering in the world is so widely debated that there is entire discipline devoted to the topic: theodicy. I will not attempt to address this in depth, as much greater minds than mine have written extensively on the subject. At the risk of sounding too simplistic, I do believe that mankind being allowed free will has resulted in expressions of sin that cause great suffering for others. But I also recognize that the platitude “We live in a fallen world” provides little comfort for someone who is struggling with cancer or has lost a spouse in a tragic accident. I will simply share from my own personal experience of the heart of God that He DOES care, deeply. Psalm 56:8 shares that God puts our tears in a bottle- not one is unseen by Him. I have also witnessed that for believers, part of the healing process is encountering the love and goodness of God and, eventually, discovering redemption in even the most painful story. God is not the author of suffering but also never promises us lives free of pain: He only promises to be with us. He writes the most beautiful stories of redemption when we trust him with the brokenness of our shattered hearts.
#7. “I shouldn’t need professional help to heal, I have….[Jesus, my spouse, my best friend, etc]”
We would likely not expect our friend or husband to set a broken arm or perform surgery, yet for many it is difficult to acknowledge the need for a professional to guide us on the path to healing our hearts. I find this especially difficult for Christians who believe they “should only need Jesus”- believe me, I was personally told this in walking through my own struggles which only exacerbated feelings of shame hopelessness. Our culture treats mental health much differently than physical health, but both often require medical intervention, especially when it comes to recovering from trauma. Trauma recovery is not for the faint of heart, and it is not wise to attempt it alone. A good therapist will provide a treatment plan- a road map based on your individual needs and story- and will provide unconditional acceptance, without pressure or judgment.
Do not let any of the lies above keep you from pursuing the healing that IS available to you. I firmly believe that you have what it takes to recover from your trauma, but you don’t have to do it alone.
*All names and examples are fictional or taken from pieces of multiple individuals’ stories with all identifying details altered.